Thursday, April 8, 2010

How would you feel?

So, I come to Taiwan as a sort of missionary/English teacher. This totally doesn't make me a saint. I'm really annoyed right now, because the principal of our school wants a cameraman to come into our house tomorrow and film us eating lunch with a couple of key families from the school. I say "why? I'm not that special, I'm just an American". Why should I have to be on TV? I feel enough like a freak already, because I'm an American and I can't go outside without attracting comment. Why add this to that? I guess the principal thinks it will help the school recruit more students for the next semester. I don't want to be a tool. Everyone thinks I should be honored to do an interview and be on T.V, but this whole thing has my stomach in knots. I don't like this sort of attention at all. I hate that I have to do the things I normally do, not because I love the kids who will be at my house, but because a cameraman and the principal and everyone expects me too. What if they make me "show off" my Chinese? I never feel comfortable speaking Chinese around anyone but little children and some nice women...My throat constricts and I feel miserable whenever the principal or another adult asks me to speak to them. How in the world will I be to say something to a camera?Anyways I'm nervous and I feel exploited and I'm having a hard time not being angry at everyone who is forcing me into this.

and I should add that I'm feeling more than a little guilty about being so upset about this instead of just sucking it up and doing what people want me to do.